Is there any other choice?

Once evening in November, She was stop crying all the time. She had decided to quit sobbing about everything. It had been too much drama during the night. Too much pain and disapointment, too much energy to spent, too much people to lost and too much ugly memory to remembered. It was not only about a sad ending prom queen story who broke her tiara in the bestowal night, but also about losing closest people story which is much more pathetic than the broken love story. November had been too much for her. 

She looked at the family picture above the cabinet, stared at that black and white picture without trying to reach the frame. Her eyes was empty. It seemes like all her energy has been sucked out, gone from her body, flew together with her tear drops which she had been outran during the night.

There was three smiling faces and one pouting face in that picture. You can mention, Mom, Dad, a daughter and a dog. The one with a pouting face was the daughter, the girl who had been lack of power since overcrying. The dog was smiling, I guess. 

 Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day. The most pretty girl in high school was nominated to become a prom queen. Everbody could tell that she must be chosen since there are no other barbie in town. Blonde, tall, slender, with wide blue eyes and nice fair skin, nobody could ever turn down the girl, even if she was just a new girl.

She has been prepared, red gown, red pumped shoes, some other accesories and a little hair cut. Her Mom prepared all the things, her mom always do everything on her, everything, ever since she started her medication.

And the fairytale begun, the new girl ini town came with abundant charm that nobody could ever resist. The prince knew it and felt in love with the girl, instantly put her social status from the new girl to the princess. Everything was so nice and happy till the girl forget to mantain her friendship with those pills. She quit talking to the pills since last October and acted briliantly as a good girl who regain her healthy head after passing a whole dark year in prevoius town. 

She just succed, the mommy girl allowed her to come to the party, with the prince. She was also really happy knowing that her sick daughter finally making friends and making out. 

But everything did not last until mid night. 

11.00 PM

"I stabbed Rick in his chest, with this" said the girl to her Daddy while showing her right hand, holding a bloody knife.

The Daddy gaped and gasped in a sudden, his right hand gripped his chest, gasping heavily, and kneeling.

The Mommy shocked, but did not do anything except put the TV remote to the sofa Calmly, she touched her head and started crying.

"Do you take you medicine, sweetheart?" asked the Mom softly, succesfully broke the silence

"You know I hate those pills" the girl answered, high intonation.

The Mom cried harder, the Dad looked at the floor hopelessly.

"And I do not want to take that anymore" said the girl, while taking out a small pistol from his purse.

In the next minute, you can guess, there are two heads with one hole in each.

The Dog barked, nosily.

In the other minute, you can tell, another hole in another head, a furry one. 

  

03.40 AM

She decided to go out, as far as posible from her house. After changing clothes, she decided to leave. She did not care about the  ice cold wind or the messy make up on her face, She just want to breathe. She walked during the night, and finally reached a building, climmbed some stairs and stop in a floor where she finally could find the whole part of the town. She was alone, but she did not care. She felt bored of crying, she felt tired of regretting, and now when everything has been too much and over, she can start to think,

is there any better choice than suicide?

Story of A Mad Rain Drop

It was Thursday morning. Hearing some noises coming from the spattered drops that fell onto my roof top, I woke up. I did not get up soon. I still enjoyed the warmth of my furry blanket, curled up in there while stealing a glance to the window. It was November 2011, and the rain was heavy.

Monica told me that she would visit me yesterday after finished her art work in the studio. I waited for her, since last night, but she did not come. Wondering why she did not come, I called her last night, but got no answer. So, I decided to wait here in my room, left some messages for Monica, read books and then fell asleep till this morning.

I remember that yesterday is wednesday. I also remember that yesterday the sky was also gloomy and like today, it was raining. I don't understant why the rain has not stop yet, it feels like all the nature has blended into one mood, bad mood, that's why the sky has been crying all the time.

It had been super boring without Monica and with the rain. I planned to go shopping all day with her to spend the 3 days holiday we had. I did not prepare for the B plan, I did not count long day rain as possibility that could happen. I don't have any plan for today, I am affraid of planning to much, besides the rain still drenched by the same intensity, a heavy one. Nobody will guess that it will end this afternoon.

When I looked outside, all I colud see was super grey and dark environment. Nobody was going out, no birds, no dogs, only drops out there. The street was desolated, very silent and mystical. Sometimes, wild imagination accrossed my mind. What if suddenly there was a zombie attack come to this town now? the timing was perfect, with the saddest face of the town like that day and all the most miserable faces of the bloody zombie. Will everybody stay in their house? or choose to runaway come through the heavy rain? I think I would stay in my room, lock the dor and sleep.

Another mad idea, what if the rain will not stop for a month. And nobody wants to go out because the rain is still heavy, everyday, may be they affraid they will get sick. And everybody choose to sleep all day, everyday, till they forget how to wake up. Finally, the town will become a dead town.  I could be the sleeping beauty then. Wait, If that happen, there must be too many prince, there are too many girls in town. I giggled, that is crazy!, I thought.

Still in the bedroom, curled up in my blanket, with my messy blonde hair and swollen eyes because  of oversleeping, I continued dreaming about the town and all the magical stories that could come. The raining town, I think it could be a nice tittle for a novel. While humming and thinking I stare at some drops that adhered on my window, rain drops.

 The next imagination that came was about the journey of the drops. I remembered Madam.Fillipa, my geography teacher when I was in high school. She once told me about the cycle of water, about those evarporation things. Well, I did not really good in reading map, so I hate geography, I don't do remembering those glosary.

"Hai there, rain drops, where do you come from?" I know I sounded like a mad girl, but It was okay, nobody knows.

In the next second, I closed my eyes and let me meet the rain drops I had just talked to. I took my brown umbrella, wear my short coat and grabb my mini boots. I skipped the part of wearing and taking those stuffs, I imagined that I have already done with everythin and ready to go.

A rain drop came accross my face, moved back down around me, like it wasdancing the rain song. It feelt like the rain drop was playing with me. I giggled, open my hands and tried to catch the rain drop, but it was too agile and fast. The rain drop flew away, went farther from my window, and left. I felt all my body became lighter, leaner and invisible. I still could feel my umbrella in my right hands and held it tightly.

I flew, followed the rain drop that just danced in front of me several minutes ago. I flew out from my window, I opened my umbrella to cover my body from the heavy rain. I felt some drops reach my stocking and made them wet. But I was too excited to follow the journey of the rain drops, I forgot all my Mom used to say that I coulde get fever if I  play with rain.

The rain drop brought me to the lake near my neighbourhood. A small lake inside the wood, with some lilies in its edge and many fishes and frog dancing the happy dance during the rain. The rain drop did not stop, it flew again further to the west. All I can see is the rain drops follow the small gully that flowed some amount of water from the lake.  The water rippled, made some little shallow stream along the small gully.

The gully became wider and wider and wider. Finally it becomes really big, it is not a gully anymore. The rain drop brought me to the river, A long river with complicated line and still water. In its left anad right, I could see a view of beautiful green forest, some tobacos with artistical roots and some other unidentified trees, may be teak or oak.

We flew for the river for about ten minutes and then the rain drop stop moving. I wondered what is going to be happened? Did the jouney end? Will I come back to home?. In the next minute, the rain drop speded up really fast, faster than the jumbo jet, faster than the ferrari, faster than everything. And in the same minute, I speded up too, higher and higher, even higher than the montain. Really high till I could see the whole America! Really high till I could feel the cloud flattered on my face. Really high... higher ... higher ... higher...higher....
Too high till I had to close my eyes, too fast till I shivered hard. It had been too high, and too wet and too cold.

It had been too much, I opened my eyes, literally, and found my self still on the bed, covered with my furry blanket and it was still raining outside.

It is about Forgiving

"I am not af fisherman, darling" said him  that to his little daughter

"Why do you have a sailing boat?" she was not satisfied with his answer

"Because the sailing boat can bring me to a very peaceful place, in the middle of the sea"

"Really? I want to know that place, Daddy" said her while looking at the sea

"I will bring you, someday when you grow up, when you as high as this" He put his right hands on his shoulder while smiling

"That's too long, I want it now" said her, pamperedly

"No, it is not gona be so long, you will grow up fast" He said. She exhaled, in a very cute way. Her face was just drop dead gorgeous exposed by the red dusky light. The face which always reminds him with the woman to whom he married.

"Emmm.. okay, I will wait, Daddy"

"Now give me a kiss" He raised her with his hands to let her reach his cheeck. He kissed her forehead and said,

"You will grow up and become a beautiful lady like your Mom, Brenda"

***

Last thing I remember about that night is the fact that you were very angry. You grabbed anything around you and thrown everything away. You screamed like a monster and were mad at everyone, except me. You hit Mom and Rachel, and you also threatened that you will kill them. You made the house became a total mess. But you only said one sentence to me, "Get in your room and never go out, till I told you so".

I was really afraid of being injured, not by you, but by all the messed house. I was afraid that the piece of the broken vase would hurt my feet if I stepped. I was also afraid of Rachel who hide a knife behind her back, I was affraid that she would hurt you. But I was only a six years old little girl, the more I was afraid of is watching you or anybody being hurted by any of you. So I decided to hide in my bedroom, and cried during the night.

In that time, I even did not understand what is the mean of having a lover. All I know was Mom is Dad's lover and Dad is Mom's lover. I did not understand the whole things that you told Mom and Rachel. I think Rachel understood, since she had been twelve years old that time. 

Now I am fifteen. I am much older than Rachel in that time. I have been  much more smarter than Rachel in that time. I now can understand what is a lover, I had one, but he was not like Mom's lover. My lover was my only lover whose feeling was pure and gentle, and nobody got hurts because that feeling. I was broke up with him not because I quitted loving him or he liked other girls, He died because the disease he suffered in six months, and now I still love him. If you were here, I know that you will like him.

I know that you are a great person with warm hands and lovely kiss. I know that you are the best Daddy ever. You can do almost everything, you can set up the tent, you can fix the car, you can cook the pancakes even you can make me a house of doll. My friend is neighbourhood was really jealous at me because they only have a drinking Dad, or stupid Dad who can not read, or a lazy fat Dad who never moves from sofa. You are a briliant man, I was really proud to have you, I am still. 

I love you for everything, except your one undeniable dispointing point. I remember when Rachel brought her boy friend to our home and told you that she was in love with the boy, you were totally mad. You repeled the boy and punished Rachel with your leather belt. She cried loudly, but you did not listened. You told her that she was too you to stepped into maturehood,  she promised you that she would not repeat that but you did not listen. You keep torturing her and never stopped till the night faded away.

When you became a mad man, I really wanted to say that you are not the Daddy I know. Like what happened in that night, when you hit Mom's right eyes, right in front of me. One more thing that a little five years old girl has to learn is that a married couple should not have any lover. Thete should  be just a man annd a woman, and no other people. Another thing is that a child has to born through a parenthesiss which has been legalized by marriage. In that time I did not even know what a lover means. In that time, I did not understand why You had to be angry, why Mom said sorry over and over again, why Rachel tried to protect Mom and why you only saved me from you rage.

But now, everything was crystal clear, Dad. Mom did not tell anything about you since that day, and Rachel keep staying at distance with me. However, I inherit your inteligence. Day by day, I get little by little enlighment which make me comprehensively understand the happening. I have grown up, Dad.

And now, what I will do is only one thing, forgive. I forgive Mom for the sin that will never be redeemed, I forgive Rachel for her inability to understand that I  am her sibling, and I forgive you for all the happening.

But I have one special thing, that I can not forgive about you. You broke your promise. You told me that you will introduce me to your secret place in the sea. The secret place that always give you peace and tranquility. The secret place far there by the sailboat. I am now as high as your shoulder, may be higher. But you have never come back to bring me go with you. I always wait in this seasore, every evening, every day. I wait for a white sailboat that will pick me up, I wait for you waving your hands and call my name, Brenda!

I have waited since the happening when you finally left us with your white sailboat and never come back
Dad, I miss you.

Runaway

Can not stop, can not stop, can not stop.

 I was running through all the tunnel, still in my grey suit. I was running during the night, to find a little light while wishing that everything is gona be all right. I was not running for my flight, I was running to make everything bright. I am the man with all the other men's life in my life. I live as multiple person. I am a gambler, yet an employer. I am a husband, yet a father. I am a gardener, yet a plumber. I am running and jumping from a dream to another dream. I keep running all the time, I dont worry to get fired, because I am the man who never gets tired.

That night, is just like another night. I hit the bar after having a hard time in my little cubic. I hit the bar, hit the table and hit the drunk man besides me who told me that I look like Charlie Chaplin. I did not tell him that his face looks like shit, I just said that he is a dirt. He tried to hit my face back, but he did missed it. I also slapp ed all members of my gambling club. I slapped the doctor, the teacher and the musician who I did not remember their name. Two of them has cheated on me and left a bunch of ilegal debts on my shoulder. Another one tried to seduce my wife. I slapped them all one by one, by my left hand. 

I ran from the bar, I ran from the mad man, I ran from my gambling club, I ran from my work, I ran from my lady at home, I ran from my broken car, I ran from my little asking many things daughter, I ran from my ugly boss, I ran from the whole boring thing in life.

I ran during the night, still in my grey suit and my great simple mustache. I ran and felt addicted, I can not stop the steps. The more steps I  have made, the farther me from the chaotic days which have been unfixable, undefinable, unexpected and unbearable.The more steps I made the more happy feeling I closed to.

I ran away, not just another running, it is a runaway, may be a forever good bye.

The Town

How does it feel to be outside the town? 

Ahmed, a little boy from Jordan, whose dream is going outside the town, was really curious about having adventure. A little six years old kid with vibrant personality who always seeks a way to get out, from anything. From his mom, from his friends, from his dog, after all, from the town.  With his little feet, he runs like a deer here and there, climbs up and down, and buzzing all directions . He loves to play hide and seek, he prefers hiding than seeking. He is the best hider among all other kids in town. With his tiny agile body, he always find a perfect hiding for him, unfindable, blur, silent and save. 

He lives in a town that's never been cold. A red town with sand and dust flying around together with windy air. A town that can burn your heart and make you feel an undentifiable anger. A town built with rage and lust of the people whose head made of stone and iron. A town where you can be friend with animal since there are no big difference between them except the dichotomy of organism. A town where you can find a lion selling papayas or a panda becoming a drag queen. A town that is not there when you try to open the map. The town covered with unseen layer that make it able to resist any coldness from the out world. 

Ahmed, a curious little rascal with brown hair and green wide eyes, feels that he is the smartest person in the town. He has discovered every single secret spot in town, he has known all the people in town, he even has made his own home in the middle of the secret oase he fiund by himself, he feels like he is more than the governoor, he feels like he is the king of The Red Town. 

In one afternoon in The Red Town, Ahmed sat alone in the top of an oak tree. He stared up and try to explore the sky, the definite sky with blur shadow of the moon. He only could see a thick red layer that limit his vision boundary. He had nothing to think except how to break the spell to cut through the unseen barrier.

"I am the best in this town, I want to have more" said him to himself

"Haha, Ahmed the cocky boy, you have nothing to be proud of, compared to me, you are just a little star and I am the moon" said someone 

Ahmed shocked by the uninvited voice, he looked around to find who was there talking to him without permisson and called him cocky boy. He was still on the tree and trying to look around, right and left, up and down, but ended up with failure to find the voice source.

"Where are you? Don't try to hide, I will find you, I am the best hider in town" said Ahmed

"I am here, right under you" 

Promptly, Ahmed looked down the tree and only found a small white round furry creature, a rabbit. He surprised and widened his eyes to make sure what he saw. The one who confidently insulted him is only a rabbit, a fat one. He felt disapointed and  little bit sad, it was unexpected. He wished that he could find an old man  with white beard and mustache whose had lived ten times longer than him and has much more experiences to be explored about everything Ahmed has not been discovered. In fact, It was only a rabbit.

"Who are you?" said Ahmed

"I am the underground explorer" said the Rabbit

"What does it mean?" 

"It means I know the world you do not know" answered the Rabbit

"Hey, you are just a rabbit, you even ten times smaller than me" 

"The smaller the better" said the rabbit again

Ahmed did not argue back, he agreed with the rabbit. He remember that he is the smallest boy among other boys in his neighbour hood, and everybody called him Ahmed the Great. 

"If that's right, can you show me how to get out?" he said

The rabbit looked at him, deeply, with no words for a few minutes. The red eyes of the rabbit was trying to read the cocky boy's mind.After six minutes passed, the Rabbit nodded soflty and blinked two until three times, and then exhaled while saying,

"Why do you want to get out?"

"I want to be much better than anybody in this town, you said you are an undergorund explorer, so I want to be an underground and outherground explorer, I want to know everything"

"Is that thing that makes you happy? Don't you want any other things in life except being an explorer? Don't you want to be a nice kid and stay here to taka care of your Mom?" asked the Rabbit

"No, I want the world" said Ahmed

"If that what you want, Okay, I can show you the way"

"Really? Okay, come on. I can not wait" said Ahmed, widely smilling, he was really excited. 

The red eyed rabbit asked Ahmed the grey eyed boy to follow him. The rabbit jumped here and there, very fast, while Ahmed follow his steps by mantaining the same tempo of his running. They went to the east to the eastest pasrt of the Red Town.They passed river, field, some gardens and a wood. And finally the arrived to big old teak tree which is located in the very iniside part of the wood. 

"Come on, take a deep breath" said the rabbit while jumping onto a big black hole in other side of the tree.

Ahmed got confused and little bit frightened, do I have to come in? how to come back? what I will find inside there? is it dangerous? Will I meet any dragon or monster down there? who will protect me? 

Those questions keep dizzying in his head, he felt little bit lost and tired. After the very long journey of unstoppable running, finally he met the runaway. Do I have to quit, after all this tiring running? 

But then the voice of the red eyed rabbit comes to his mind, the horizon is wider than what you can imagine, it will take your breath away, sometimes it can kill your soul since of its beauty, the world is colder than the lemonade ice tea, it is blue and green, not red like the town, are you ready?

 What is blue and green? What is cold? How wide is actually the horizon is? Does the red eyed rabbit lie to him? He could be a warlock who want to kidnap him. He had been dragged onto a complicated thought of stay or go. Suddenly, an image of her beautiful Mom bringing a bowl of soup acrossed his mind. 

How about Mom? Is she okay if I go?

Ahmed nailed for almost ten minutes, closed eyes and opened mouth. In the eleventh minutes, he decided to step in and let his body swallowed by the darkness of the unlimited hole in the teak tree, followed the red eyed rabbit.

***

"Welcome to the outside, insider" said the rabbit

Ahmed feels tickles thing all over his body, slowly, he opened his eyes. The last thing he saw were a teak tree and a hole, then dark. He looked  around and feel confused, what is this? a soft thickling creature under his body. 

"Say hello to the grass" said the rabbit

"Grass?" said Ahmed, still wondered the Grass

"Yes, green grass, look at there, welcome to the ouside, that's your town. Beutiful isn't it?" said the Rabbit

Ahmed turn his head to the direction where the Rebbit went. He tried to stand up to have a better view.

Ahmed was amazed by the fantastic view in front of his face. The Red Town from miles away out, the town with blur moon and red weather. Now he can see how does a moon look like. He can see the northest untiil the southest part of the town. He san cee the end of the barrier, the unseen layer that covers the town. He can see the whole red sky covering the town. 

"Look up, boy" said the Rabbit

"What is that?" said Ahmed

"That is blue sky, like sea, blue" said the rabbit

"Where is the horizon?" asked Ahmed while still watching the amazing blue thing up there

"There" said the Rabbit, pointing at somewhere beyond the skyline

"There? What is there?" 

"Everything, Don't you want to know more? You said you want the world" said the Rabbit

"Can I?" 

"Why not?" said the red eyed rabbit

Ahmed stare at the blue sky, the green grass, the red town, what's next?. He nailed for five minutes. In the sixth minutes, he started his first runaway, to catch the end of the horizon. Will he come back? If only he can find the end of the horizon

A Birthday Escape

It is windy, yet cloudy. Such a beautiful afternoon with no sunny sunlight, but I still can feel some feeling of summer’s warmth. The feeling of the joy of summer dances and festivals. The undeniable warmth which can not be replaced by any other wood on earth. The feeling of being hugged by Mom and Dad, that lovely summer feeling.  The season has changed, and now it is back to autumn again. Leaves are changing their color, all about orangey and red and they are falling one by one, touching the ground, back to what it comes from, the earth.

I let the window open to make the autumn wind enters my woody little house. I breath it deeply and then smiled and wishpered to my self, what a nice day, first week of Autumn has been gone. It is the first day of second week of autumn in Dakota 2011 and the second autumn I have had since last day she come to visit me.

***

“Stop torturing you self” she said

“Why do you ask me that? You know nothing about me” I said

“I know everything about you, I am your half blood”

“It does not make you know me, I does not make me have to do what you said”

“It does, because you have no one in this world, except me who can give you better understanding”

She look at me sharply while keep holding my hands. I was terrified and breezing. The feeling of being the loneliset person on earth was pounding hardly in my head and in my heart. I cried silently, teardorps fell and flew, succesfully messed up my mascara. I held her hands back to let she knew that deep in my heart I need her hug, I need a companion to face the night, I need my sister.

We cried together in my bed till the moon faded away. Me and her fell asleep while hugging each other and feel into our own dream without saying good bye, without feeling apart, without quit holding hands.

The next morning, I stayed in my room. I could not go out and meet any people, even I did not have any brave to look at my fishes inside the fishbowl. I know they were staring at me and Sara during the night, wondering what has already happened that make me so sad last night. I did not stare them back, I am too afraid.

***

“Knock . . .  Knock . . .” Sara come inside and bring a tray of sandwich and milk

“You have to eat” she said. I did not answer, I could not even look back at her. I was still a mess, all the broken make up and hair were still on me.

“Eat, and follow me then” She said

Feel shocked about what she just said, I shout “What? do you mean go out? Crazy. No”

“You can disguise, use your coat, nobody will recognize you. I guarantee you will be save” she explained

I did not argue back, I was too tired to think. I nodded and continued my eating.

***

“Good bye, I will be very missing you, I will come here every month, I promise” she said

“Sara, I love you, thank you so much for all of this” I hugged her, she hugged me back.

“Happy birthday, Ash, you can open this later” she gave me a little box covered with flowery wrapping.

“Thanks” I did not say any more words. I cried and she cried also, and she went away. Her red scarf was waving to me while she was running. I watched her back gone and finally vanished between the trees. I looked down and stare at the little box she gave to me. I can not wait to open it and know what is inside.

As I thought, there were a letter written with a really familiar handwritting of Sara.

Dear Ash, 

You know exactly that I am bad in saying sweet things. That’s why I wrote this letter for you. I know the day like that night when Mom caught you will come. I want to let you know that I always think of you, worry you and will do everything for you. I can not be like daddy, but I want to be best for our little family. Daddy might be a hero for us in such time like this, eventhough he is not with us right now, I know that he is watching us from the sky. 

Ash, this place might be not as comfortable as home. This just a wooden house in the middle of oaks. You can find a neigbourhood about one kilometer from this place, but I guarantee this place is safe. You dont have to worry of dog or any other dangerous animal. This is the place that Daddy used to stay whenever he had bad days. He showed me this one day when he fought with Mom.

Ash, whatever you are , I will always love you. I dont have any other better idea to solve your problem. You hava passed too many bad things in life, I can not see you cry more than just in that night. What i think is you need an escape, may be for sometimes until you know what you will do next. Dropping from school is not really bad, I am sorry for my inability to understand your decision, but now I can understand. Mom will be okay, I will take care of her. I know you love her.

Finally, Happy Birthday, I wish this can be a nice happy birthday present for you.

I will always love you, Ashton, My Beloved Brother, Ashley, My Bestest Sister.

With Love,

Sara

***

This is the fourth autumn since the day I escaped from home. This is the second autumn since the last day Sara visited me. Still the same smell of autumn, still the same wooden house, still the same sky, but with a different version of me. It has been a long time ago since I met Ashton, no I have no idea where he is. May be he has drawned in the lake, lost in the wood or fell in love and leave. But it is really okay, I am used to be lonely. It is better to met only Ashley everyday, with that grey eyes and long brunette hair, I am relieved.