It is about Forgiving

"I am not af fisherman, darling" said him  that to his little daughter

"Why do you have a sailing boat?" she was not satisfied with his answer

"Because the sailing boat can bring me to a very peaceful place, in the middle of the sea"

"Really? I want to know that place, Daddy" said her while looking at the sea

"I will bring you, someday when you grow up, when you as high as this" He put his right hands on his shoulder while smiling

"That's too long, I want it now" said her, pamperedly

"No, it is not gona be so long, you will grow up fast" He said. She exhaled, in a very cute way. Her face was just drop dead gorgeous exposed by the red dusky light. The face which always reminds him with the woman to whom he married.

"Emmm.. okay, I will wait, Daddy"

"Now give me a kiss" He raised her with his hands to let her reach his cheeck. He kissed her forehead and said,

"You will grow up and become a beautiful lady like your Mom, Brenda"

***

Last thing I remember about that night is the fact that you were very angry. You grabbed anything around you and thrown everything away. You screamed like a monster and were mad at everyone, except me. You hit Mom and Rachel, and you also threatened that you will kill them. You made the house became a total mess. But you only said one sentence to me, "Get in your room and never go out, till I told you so".

I was really afraid of being injured, not by you, but by all the messed house. I was afraid that the piece of the broken vase would hurt my feet if I stepped. I was also afraid of Rachel who hide a knife behind her back, I was affraid that she would hurt you. But I was only a six years old little girl, the more I was afraid of is watching you or anybody being hurted by any of you. So I decided to hide in my bedroom, and cried during the night.

In that time, I even did not understand what is the mean of having a lover. All I know was Mom is Dad's lover and Dad is Mom's lover. I did not understand the whole things that you told Mom and Rachel. I think Rachel understood, since she had been twelve years old that time. 

Now I am fifteen. I am much older than Rachel in that time. I have been  much more smarter than Rachel in that time. I now can understand what is a lover, I had one, but he was not like Mom's lover. My lover was my only lover whose feeling was pure and gentle, and nobody got hurts because that feeling. I was broke up with him not because I quitted loving him or he liked other girls, He died because the disease he suffered in six months, and now I still love him. If you were here, I know that you will like him.

I know that you are a great person with warm hands and lovely kiss. I know that you are the best Daddy ever. You can do almost everything, you can set up the tent, you can fix the car, you can cook the pancakes even you can make me a house of doll. My friend is neighbourhood was really jealous at me because they only have a drinking Dad, or stupid Dad who can not read, or a lazy fat Dad who never moves from sofa. You are a briliant man, I was really proud to have you, I am still. 

I love you for everything, except your one undeniable dispointing point. I remember when Rachel brought her boy friend to our home and told you that she was in love with the boy, you were totally mad. You repeled the boy and punished Rachel with your leather belt. She cried loudly, but you did not listened. You told her that she was too you to stepped into maturehood,  she promised you that she would not repeat that but you did not listen. You keep torturing her and never stopped till the night faded away.

When you became a mad man, I really wanted to say that you are not the Daddy I know. Like what happened in that night, when you hit Mom's right eyes, right in front of me. One more thing that a little five years old girl has to learn is that a married couple should not have any lover. Thete should  be just a man annd a woman, and no other people. Another thing is that a child has to born through a parenthesiss which has been legalized by marriage. In that time I did not even know what a lover means. In that time, I did not understand why You had to be angry, why Mom said sorry over and over again, why Rachel tried to protect Mom and why you only saved me from you rage.

But now, everything was crystal clear, Dad. Mom did not tell anything about you since that day, and Rachel keep staying at distance with me. However, I inherit your inteligence. Day by day, I get little by little enlighment which make me comprehensively understand the happening. I have grown up, Dad.

And now, what I will do is only one thing, forgive. I forgive Mom for the sin that will never be redeemed, I forgive Rachel for her inability to understand that I  am her sibling, and I forgive you for all the happening.

But I have one special thing, that I can not forgive about you. You broke your promise. You told me that you will introduce me to your secret place in the sea. The secret place that always give you peace and tranquility. The secret place far there by the sailboat. I am now as high as your shoulder, may be higher. But you have never come back to bring me go with you. I always wait in this seasore, every evening, every day. I wait for a white sailboat that will pick me up, I wait for you waving your hands and call my name, Brenda!

I have waited since the happening when you finally left us with your white sailboat and never come back
Dad, I miss you.